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I am honored to introduce Stephanie Bashein Emerson as a Jewish writer brings a whole new point of view to the table. She is spiritual and wise, and has a compelling style which you won't be able to resist. . |
THE BRACELET By Stephanie Bashein Emerson “I stay true to myself. Be kind and rescue me. Now I stand on solid ground! And when your people meet, I will praise you, Lord.” ---Psalm 26: 11-12 It was early summer 2004, and I had made the difficult decision to look for other employment. I had been in my job since April 2000, but the relationship with my boss had never mellowed, and I realized I could not go through another season with her. Even though I began looking for another job I was not happy about leaving. I liked the actual work my job entailed; I had become good at it and was starting to get a solid reputation in the field. What I needed was to leave my boss: a micro-manager, irritable, irascible and sisterly by turns, with mood swings that would have her chew me out for ten minutes over a very minor error, for example, then turn around and give me half a day off on Friday. She depended on me but her behavior had become so erratic that I felt more and more like her psychiatric nurse. I hit the classifieds with a vengeance, sending my newly-revised and upgraded resume out to the local universe. Calls started coming in and I began to schedule interviews either before or after work. So I started going to interviews. And went, and went, and went. There were many interviews where the rapport had been positive and the energy good. However, when they were over, instead of job offers I received countless “thank you for your interest” letters or sorrowful emails explaining how they just couldn’t use me at the present time. The summer wore on. I was going to three and four interviews a week with nothing to show for it. I had wanted to get another job before next season started, but as the calendar progressed my hopes declined; I began to think the problem wasn’t in the job market or the state of the economy but in me. I was sitting in my car one early evening after yet another interview. I had gotten more rejection letters in the mail, and I started pondering random elements, trying to figure out the reason why I could not find another job. As usual when I am pensive, I was absently playing with the bracelet on my left wrist (which at that time was made up of rainbow beads), rolling the beads between my fingers, trying to puzzle out a solution to this problem I had. When I glanced down I noticed what I was doing, really noticed what kind of bracelet I was wearing. A voice came to me in that instant sounding just like my mother (who was still living at the time) and said, “Take the bracelet off.” Time seemed to stand still. A floodgate opened: the reason why I hadn’t gotten any of the jobs I had applied for (the voice told me without speaking) was because of my rainbow bracelet. All those potential employers liked my qualifications but had still found a way not to hire me because they thought I was a lesbian. It was easy, I was told: take the bracelet off when going for interviews, then put it back on again when it was over. My logical mind took over then. I realized there was no way to really know why I hadn’t been hired. It certainly couldn’t be blamed on a bracelet; a ridiculous thought, yet one that squirmed and squealed and wouldn’t allow me to let go of it. What if it was true? Take the bracelet off, then you’ll really know for sure. Just unhook it and put it in your purse. It was my mother at her most reasonable: why disadvantage yourself? Why give them one more reason to reject you? Many realizations came crowding in at once. I knew I had been lucky my entire life, lucky in finding people who have helped me on my journey, lucky to get an education so I could qualify for the better jobs. Not every situation I had ever been in had been a good one, but I had also been lucky (one could call it dumb luck) in making the right choices that would better my life in the long run. I never felt I had to hide my true self, was never coerced into being someone I wasn’t. Take the bracelet off. Pretend you really don’t support equal rights for gay people. Don’t say a word about marriage equality, that’s a real hot-button issue. Take the bracelet off, you’ll get this new job, get away from your crazy boss. The whole situation had become supremely silly and desperately serious. The bracelet had come to represent all the uncomfortable truths most heterosexual people had chosen not to see: how gays and lesbians, transgender and bisexual people are still legally discriminated against in this country in the twenty- first century. I wasn’t gay myself, I had the ability to just melt back into the fabric of our American society and grab whatever small privileges a middle-aged straight white woman is allocated. Take the bracelet off. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. How in the name of Harvey Milk could I pretend the phrase “justice for all” didn’t apply to gay people? What about my friends at Trinity, the guys in the Chorus, the people at Dignity? Many gay and lesbian people I knew had been forced to live in the closet. They were derided, mocked and persecuted by civil and religious leaders alike; prevented from marrying, adopting, and, for many, leading an open and true life. How could I ever look any of them in the face again if I caved? How could I ever look in the mirror myself knowing I had betrayed them and my conscience? I felt puny and insignificant: I was not a revolutionary leader, brilliant orator or widely-read writer. But I truly believe that one person can make a difference, no matter how small, and I could not go back into a state of ignorance. For what it was worth, I had thrown my lot in with my gay friends and our community. Whatever happened to them would happen to me. I would not take my bracelet off; if potential employers didn’t want to hire me because of that, then so be it. I would have to be patient, and find another way to improve my job situation. There in the car, time resumed. I let out a breath and felt strangely calm, a quietness inside that comes from knowing one is on the right path. Please, God, help me to stand strong and not falter in my resolve. [Postscript: About two months after this incident, my boss called me into her office to tell me she was leaving for another job that was closer to what she had studied for her degree. I had gotten what I needed: the same job without the nutty boss who had driven me to distraction.] . |
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